Must Love Babies

Letters to My Daughters: Life's a Party

To Caroline

I wasn't sure where we would land on the "is she outgoing" question. I spent months and months apologizing for your powerful shyness. Someone would look at you and you would turn and cry to me as if they had pinched you under the arm when I wasn't looking. Even grandparents! God forbid anyone at the grocery store smile at you; they would be rewarded with loud, dramatic tears. I got into the habit of going on autopilot when this happened by saying, "oh, she's just due for a nap" no matter what time of day or night it was. I worried you were leaving a trail of slightly offended, well-meaning adults behind you everywhere we went.

But now I am relieved to report that you have really turned a corner! You love people! Sometimes you still need a tiny warm-up period, but it doesn't take long before you are goofing around, trying to get their laughs and attention. You put your poor grandparents through the wringer, little girl, but I think they'll forgive you.

You really are so fun now. I mean, you drive me crazy since you cry over EVERY.LITTLE.THING (but you come by that naturally, so how can I fault you?), but you are truly the most fun two year old I have ever personally met. You are funny (and you laugh at other people's jokes, too), you are insightful, interesting, sincere, heartfelt, clever and creative. I love when you say, "Mommy, Cahyine's being see-wee (silly)" as if it wasn't obvious that hopping around like a frog at Target wasn't something serious people do. You have this bizarre accent that makes you sound like a Scottish Bugs Bunny -- "girl" is "gale," "four" is "foowah" and "here" is "heeyah." You talk more in a day than Daddy does in a week. And all this when you are just 2 -- imagine when you are 12!

Every day is a party with you, and I get the feeling that if it weren't, you'd make it one. I can learn a lot from you. Yes, you burst into tears at least a dozen times a day, usually over nothing. But you forgive easily and are eager to return to the party and pick up where you left off. I hope you never lose that, because it's so cool, and will make your days much happier! xo, Mommy

Letters to My Daughters: Battlefields

To Josie

Girl, you and I are gonna do battle. I can feel it.

Even now, we go through our ups and downs. There are moments when you completely infuriate me. To the point where all I can do is stare at you in disappointed shock and anger. You seem to know exactly which buttons to push; the exact, specific things that will make my blood boil, then you do them all in a row, looking me right in the eye the entire time.

Then, in the very next moment, right when I cannot stand another second of it, your little face crumbles into a horrifically sad, devastated, defeated mess. Your mouth turns down into that classic sad pout, the same one you got when you were teeny:

                     but i hate my monkey pajamas

Then your cheeks go bright red, gigantic, gigantic tears well up in your eyes and you begin to cry in what is almost slow-motion. Your face shows what could be a hundred different emotions -- all of them intense -- but I always interpret it as extreme regret and compunction for your bad behavior. I don't think you are necessarily old enough yet to have your conscience tugging at you when you misbehave, but I think it truly makes you feel viscerally bad to be that naughty. Like, you can't control it in the moment, but immediately afterward, you are absolutely crushed. Today, this happened, and you actually said to me, "Mommy, don't want to be sad, want to be happy???" through hot tears as you buried your face in my arm. I think I actually heard my heart crack in half.

The funny thing is, I see so much of myself in you sometimes. I pull some of the same crap on myself sometimes, doing something I know is not the right choice, but I do it anyway and instantaeously I feel wretched. If I were three years old, I can see myself responding to it exactly the same way you do. Like the time I was so mad about something I bashed a large metal spoon on top of the microwave? You know, repeatedly? Like, not reeeeally in control? And subsequently felt insanely ashamed when I realized that not only did I make a fool of myself in front of Daddy (well, he wisely stayed in the next room), but also I had foolishly broken a perfectly good microwave. And bent an otherwise perfectly straight spoon. I remember I just wanted to be invisible in that moment. But if I had been three, I think I would have reacted just the way you do.

I am seeing some progress in the way we relate to each other. This time last year, you were beginning to challenge me and, dear sweet daughter, YOU DID NOT CARE. You wanted what you wanted and I could be on fire and you wouldn't even look up. Now, however, I see you looking to me for guidance when you are frustrated, angry or sad. It's not Caroline-style, crying dramatically and whining, "Moommmmmeeeee;" it's sometimes so subtle that if I wasn't paying attention, I would miss it. It's a quick micro-glance, or you turning your body towards mine when in the midst of a fit. Sometimes you even mouth the word 'mommy' while struggling to stop your tears. Like you said, you want to be happy, and you know that I can help you, but boy is it hard to ask.

But I hope this trend of progress continues and becomes more fluid as you get older. I have to do everything I can to keep us connected, because you tend to withdraw in difficult situations. You are a little girl; you need your mommy and daddy. That's what we are here for. You and I will do battle, yes; but I hope you will come to realize that you and I will never be at war. You are my little girl, and I will always want happiness for you, and will do my absolute best to make that happen. I love you!

Letters to My Daughters: True Love

My Little Girls,

I was just thinking about the days you were both born; not so much about the events of those days, but mainly about how small you were. You were both so tiny! I guess all babies are, but you both seemed SO insanely small. Josie, I remember sitting with Daddy on the couch the night we came home with you and we were just looking at you. All of a sudden I was just hit with the realization of what a huge responsibility we were about to undertake with you, not in a burdensome way at all, in an exciting way. And how you really can't be prepared, not truly. I mean, we bought you little clothes and you had a bassinet and a crib and lots of pacifiers and tons of diapers... all that stuff. But we felt so nervous! I recall saying to Daddy, "I can't believe they let us bring her home with us!"... meaning the nurses at the hospital. I was thinking of how they must love all the little babies and it must be hard to send them home with parents who may or may not do a good job, they'll never know. (And that is why I could never be a maternity nurse, I would hide the babies from people who were giving me bad parenting vibes. And then I would get fired.)

not my best look... still in the hospital!

Caroline, you were a lot bigger than Josie when you were born, but trust me, you seemed just as tiny. You were hilarious - Josie was so stoic, rarely cried (except when she was hungry!), she was really reserved. You, on the other hand, were expressive FROM DAY ONE. You made so many crazy faces and noises, I actually googled (that means, "looked up on the internet," in case they don't have Google anymore by the time you read this) -- I googled "my baby makes tons of faces" to see if it was normal. I never got an answer, but the more we got to know you, the more we realized that you just show how you feel, no matter what, and it was fine. And it was kind of beautiful. No, actually? It was really beautiful, and it still is.

Josie, everyone talked about how perfect you looked! Nannie (that was Daddy's grandma) talked a lot about how perfect your tiny ears were, and now you are three and they are still tiny! You had sweet pink cheeks and a tiny, cute little mouth. Daddy and I couldn't believe how small and quiet you were. I woke up and checked on you like 100 times a night. I remember I thought bringing a baby home would make our house kind of crazy, with a lot of scrambling around and lots of crying and screaming. In fact, you coming home made our house so very peaceful. Daddy and I were just very calm, even Stevie was calm! I do remember some frantic moments, mostly centered around my attempting to nurse you, but overall things seemed very quiet and nice. You were a great first baby for Daddy and I, because you were mostly pretty easy, which made us feel like we were doing a pretty good job.

Caroline, you challenged us a little more, mostly because you were very vocal about your needs and wants! But you were pretty easy, too, overall. You loved your baths and Stevie took to you right away -- she would lie next to you and would pick up her head and look at you every time you fussed. Sometimes she would put her chin in your lap. If we put you in your swing, she would go lie over there... she was very protective of you. You were easy to feed but boy were you tough to burp! We had to give you special drops of medicine to help your tummyaches after almost every bottle for a while there. You were also a big napper... you napped more than your sister did at that age.

Mostly though, I was thinking tonight about how, even though Daddy and I gave up a lot to have both of you, you girls have made our lives so much better. Right now, you are 2 and 3, and we have really fun, happy, good times, and sometimes we have rough times right now as you two navigate your way through learning how to behave and get along and still be your own people. But earlier, when you were just two tiny babies, Daddy and I were shocked at how much we loved you right away! We loved you more than anything we had ever loved before, and although we knew that we would love our kids, I think we were both taken aback a little at how MUCH we loved you and how instantaneous it was. Josie, we thought we had a pretty good life before you were born... Daddy and I went out a lot, heard lots of good music, had long talks late at night, went on fun trips... but all of that kind of faded to the background once we had you, because you were the new light in our life and brought us so much happiness! Caroline, Mommy was a little worried (being pretty inexperienced) about how we would show you as much love, because we loved Josie so much, it seemed like mathematically there wouldn't much room left in our hearts. But that was just needless worry, because guess what? Our hearts grew when you were born! And we loved you and were excited to have you in our lives just as much as your big sister!! Somehow our hearts, our hours in the day and our budget stretched just for you, and it felt like you had been there all along. Daddy and I had our little family, and we could not be any happier if we had tried.

So when you open my desk and dump out all the pens, when you color with chalk on the carpet, when you throw yourselves on the floor of the mall and scream because you don't want to hold hands, when you dump mandarin orange juice on the carpet, when you throw your toys at us because you don't like something we said... I will try my best to not be bothered by it too badly, because I will think of when you were teeny tiny babies and remember how much we wanted you both, how lucky we are to have you and how insanely much we love you! And we always will.

xoxo, Mommy